Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
So many bounce houses so little time
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
