i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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