Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
