she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
