Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
