I wish my penis had an off switch
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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