Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
