My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
