Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
