I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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