k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
