this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
