You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
