her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
