I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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