He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
My ATM looks so different sober.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
