my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
