I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
