Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i think i have two assholes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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