Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
