Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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