Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
