I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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