guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Randomize
