For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
