I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
