i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
