her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
