On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
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My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
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I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.