I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sober January is a disaster.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
