Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
