He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
