My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
