fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
my god I love twenty year old dicks
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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