Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
