Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I wish i was in the wii world.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
