I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
