I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
