So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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