I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
