I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
