I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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