You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
