Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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