my soul wont recognize me after tonight
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
he fucked my hip out of place.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
