Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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