his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
