i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
