There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
