and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize