I'm really into asian looking animals
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
