did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Randomize
