Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
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All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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