I faked an abortion last night.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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