in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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