I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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