I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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