Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
