Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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