Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
