I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
