just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
