party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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